Committed sex gets a bad rap. But when you think about the comfort and security of memorizing each other’s bodies, and kicking the pressure to be perfect to the curb, committed sex actually rules.
No need to date around in order to find someone who is worthy of having sex with you, and then teach them what you like. You already have that. You chose that special someone. Lucky you.
We talked with the experts to dig into the question, “Why is committed sex actually the best sex of your life?” Here’s what they had to say.
Practice makes perfect
Dr. Terri Orbuch says committed sex is great because “your partner knows your likes and dislikes already. And just like other things—practice can make perfect (and you and your spouse have been practicing quite a bit!) You and your partner have a history together.”
Studies show that women in long-term relationships have more satisfying sexual experiences than women who only have casual hookups. So yes, it’s your commitment to one another that’s helping you orgasm.
You feel safe and secure
Committing yourself to your partner, for better or for worse, can give each person a sense of security that you wouldn’t get from casual sex. Your husband isn’t going to have sex with you, then ghost you. You’re both in it for the long haul.
Dr. Logan Levkoff, sexologist, sex educator, and author said, “You feel safe. You can be more vulnerable. There is tremendous trust in a long term relationship. You can be more intimate.”
You can communicate honestly
Like the wise Salt–N–Pepa said, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”
There’s less pressure to feel like you have to fake anything or hide anything with your partner. If you’re not feeling your partner’s move, you can tell them and switch positions—or try something different, or just stop altogether. You can be honest with one another and communicate your feelings.
In a committed relationship, you have the potential to be open and direct with your partner, and expect the same in return.
You can be your best sexual self
Why would “safe” and “comfortable” be bad in terms of sex? Rachel A. Sussman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, thinks these characteristics are essential, explaining, “I often hear and read that a lot of sex therapists and experts say that one of the reasons it [married sex] can get boring is that this is such a safe person, and that sex with someone brand new can feel dangerous, ergo, very erotic.”
Sussman has a different take: “I can poke holes in that theory and say: sex with someone you’re really comfortable with, who you really trust, can open you up to be your best possible sexual self.”
Who better to try something new with than with the one you love? And bonus: You can both laugh at yourself if things don’t go as planned. Your partner will still be there in the morning either way.
You can’t beat the convenience
Sussman continues, “It’s always great, when possible, to schedule sex dates. The nice thing about scheduling a sex date is that you know that you’re both putting in an effort to be with each other sexually, and it might take some pressure off of you both.”
Another bonus to convenience? Quickies.
Parents of young children don’t have all the time or energy in the world (to say the least), and there’s nothing wrong with fitting in quick romps here and there.
Sussman agrees, “There’s all sorts of ways to make love. Sometimes it can be a long, leisurely thing. But, a lot of times [as parents] it just can’t. And, don’t get hung up on that.”
In fact, quickies can be a total positive for busy couples. Stolen moments, when the kids are occupied or napping, can feel illicit and sexy.
It’s the whole package
Zach Brittle, LMHC, Certified Gottman Therapist specializing in evidence-based couples therapy explains, “Committed sex is best because it’s actually real. Presumably, it’s part of a total package of intimacy that includes intellectual, and emotional, and even spiritual intimacy. In that way, it’s fuller and richer and better.”
Go shout it from the mountaintops (or pillowtops).
Committed sex is the best sex there is.
This article appeared in the Gottman Relationship Blog April 2017. This article was originally published on Motherly and edited with permission from the author.